


break(down/through)

by ShanleenKinnJaskey



Series: Poetry [20]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Free Verse, If you only read one work by me, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Poetry, This is my magnum opus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-29
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-28 19:06:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5102258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanleenKinnJaskey/pseuds/ShanleenKinnJaskey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i checked off the pros and cons<br/>counted my blessings<br/>counted my sins<br/>weighed my tears against my smiles</p><p>and came up wanting</p>
            </blockquote>





	break(down/through)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tigriswolf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigriswolf/gifts).



this is not a breakthrough;  
it is a breakdown.

spiraling downward into the  
dark grey within  
no red of anger  
no blue of sadness  
no yellow of happiness  
just a sea of grey darkness

plunge into the dark, still waters  
drowning while still breathing

(every breath _hurts_ )

curl into yourself  
wrap yourself in your own arms  
there is no one there to help

left here alone  
_craving_  human contact  
searching for something  
to relieve the heaviness in your chest

(can’t do anything right)

tripping, stumbling, falling  
_someone please catch me_  
_can’t you hear me screaming_  
_the ghosts keep shouting_  
why won’t they stop

*

if committing suicide is a cry for help,  
what is this dragging of a paper clip  
down the soft inner skin of a wrist?

a whispered plea, almost inaudible

(doesn’t make it much better,  
but certainly doesn’t make it worse)

too cowardly to commit suicide  
too in doubt to believe anything

knife, pill, noose  
none have any appeal

i’m stuck here,  
not wishing for an end  
not wishing for anything, really  
just empty

*

i can’t cry, can i?  
my tears are saved for those  
times alone in my room,  
curled up in the familiar grey  
just wanting to _feel_  
something besides empty

*

“ADHD and anxiety disorders  
are co-morbid in  
adolescent females.”

sounds so clinical, doesn’t it?  
it’s almost like you didn’t just  
say that i have a higher chance  
of dying prematurely,  
a higher chance of depression  
and suicidal thoughts

(a higher chance of my mind turning on itself)

*

i had a breakthrough  
in between one breakdown  
and the next

i wondered if anyone would care  
if i just...

i know, logically, that someone  
will, but sometimes  
my mind plays tricks on itself  
convinces my heart that it’s wrong

i’ve spent hours upon hours wondering if  
anyone would notice if i just  
didn’t show up one day

*

one too many breakdowns  
here's my one last breakthrough:

i checked off the pros and cons  
counted my blessings  
counted my sins  
weighed my tears against my smiles

and came up wanting


End file.
